Mr. Patel has asked Brandon's buffoonish head of security to look into the mysterious occurrences plaguing his relationship, so I'm going out with a bang. There are many more colleagues I wish to torture psychologically, and it will be thrill enough reading the email trail between Daniel and (Security Chief) Jensen as they endeavor to identify the person or persons responsible for damaging the former's once flourishing marriage.
Mr. Patel's desktop wallpaper is a large picture of his wife alongside their four adorable collar-clad pooches. After studying the massive photograph closely, I procure identical neck-gear at a pet-centric mega-mart.
In a large envelope, addressed to "Sir King Douchebag," I mail the stylish canine accessories to the Patel residence.
So the postmark will give the pea-brained security "expert" something to go on, I drive to the USPS branch in a town 44 minutes away. Nearby, a fantastic Mexican joint has been proudly serving hungry patrons for twelve years and I'm hankering for a couple of their classic spicy chicken burritos. Dreading the day my gut stretches further than my breasts, I don't often splurge, but when I do, I do it right.
Knowing Mrs. Patel retrieves the snail mail at 2:00 PM each weekday, I wait for an email from her to him. "Please don't call the office with the disturbing news," I mumble throughout the morning.
Thankfully . . .
From: Carmen Patel
To: Daniel Patel
Subject: Dog Collars
Sent: Friday, December 17, 2010 2:22 PM
If your story is accurate and someone is getting revenge, they are familiar with our pets.
Dog collars arrived in the mail today; dog collars matching those worn by the quartet.
One of the subsequent scenarios is therefore true; you showed--or gave--a secret paramour photographs of our dogs, a lover you spurned spies on me as I walk them, or those determined to make you suffer are stalking my every move.
None of the above makes me want to do anything other than curl up in the fetal position.
It's also not comforting that the man you charged with solving this riddle hasn't a clue where to begin.
Is he incompetent or is he aiding your infidelity?
My guess is the latter, but I'm just a housewife, so what do I know?
In everlasting obedience,
Not only has she mastered the art of sending flawless emails, Mrs. Patel's biting sarcasm is brilliant. I wish I could respond praising her wit but will sadly have to admire her creativity from afar.